Jamey Rodemeyer

14 year old Jamey Rodemeyer commited suicide a few days ago due to being insanely bullied for being gay. And all I can say is, I'm angry and upset. Angry at those who drove a 14 year old to take his own life, and angry at the people who sat by and did nothing to help him. I'm upset at the loss of such a young man, in May he posted a video on youtube entitled "it gets better, I promise" and regularly blogged about the homophobic bullying he suffered at school.

This is supposed to be the 21st century, and yet most of the world is still in the dark ages. People still find the need to ridicule everyone who is just a little bit different from them. Sure we can change laws, but it doesn't stop the hate in people's hearts. It's that hate, which destroys people's lives. It sickens me to know the world is full of darkness.

I know I've used the term homophobic at the beginning of the article, but to be completely honest is it really the right word? To have a phobia of something is to be scared. These people aren't scared at all, it's hate, pure and simple.

There needs to be more support for young people who are suffering from bullying for being gay or trans or just plain different, bullying shouldn't be so rife in this day and age.

The sad thing is, even days after Jamey took his own life, people are still making hateful comments on his videos.

This has to stop.

Rest In Peace Jamey and everyone who has been driven to taking their own life thanks to shit like this.

Rant #2

This is my second rant on here already, the chances of anyone actually reading this is slim in any case, and I need to let off some steam about things. And because I'm a neat freak I'm actually going to number each issue.

        1. Chaz Bono on DWTS - It's already been blogged to death but I don't care. I'm still getting over the fact that in American "land of the free" that there are still such bigotry. With the don't ask don't tell policy being repealed, American are only just coming out the dark ages. But what pisses me off most about the Chaz Bono thing, is the fact the bigots are saying, that it might give kids ideas about transitioning. Well I say good, people need to see more of it. That it's not something that can be swept under the carpet and ignored. If your child is having gender issues, surely its better for them to think that they're not alone and there is people out there who feel the same way? there is one article here " Don't let your kids watch chaz bono " that has particularly pissed me off to the max. To quote said article

"The truth is that Chaz Bono should be empathized with and treated with dignity. Any contribution he makes to the world should be applauded as it would be for any other person.

But Chaz Bono should not be applauded for asserting she is a man (and goes about trying to look like one) any more than a woman who believes she will be happier without arms, has them removed and then continues to assert that she was right all along—her self-concept was that of a double amputee. Now, all is well.

 

Chaz Bono should not be applauded any more than someone who, tragically, believes that his species, rather than gender, is what is amiss and asks a plastic surgeon to build him a tail of flesh harvested from his abdomen. If only a plastic surgeon would acquiesce, all would be well."

Two things are wrong here, firstly through out the article they have been throwing around pronouns calling Chaz he one moment, then to try to further themselves refer to him as she.  Chaz Bono is a man, that is the bottom line.

And secondly, how can you compare gender dysphoria to wanting to be a double amputee or an animal? That is down right ridiculous.  The writer of the article is a psychiatrist?! I think he needs to go back to school and learn the difference. The fact of the matter is transpeople all over the world go through counselling and psychiatric analysis for months sometimes years before they can begin transition, to make sure it is right for them. And to make things worse, this man is saying he would have done anything in his power to stop Chaz from transitioning.

"Make no mistake: I would have gone to the ends of the earth to help Chaz Bono if she had come to me for help.

I would have treated her with dignity and summoned every ounce of my intellect and empathy to explore her psyche with her. I would have pried loose every family secret hidden by the Bonos.

I would have been relentless.

I would have used everything I know about medication to help her.

I would have enlisted the help of every expert I know—some of the world’s best—at everything from endocrinology to hypnosis.

I would have teamed up with a spiritual counselor, if that seemed indicated.

And if all that failed, and if Chaz Bono wanted either to kill herself or to undergo gender reassignment surgery, I would have taken that journey with her, too. I would have talked her parents through the hell of it. We would make the best of it.

Somehow, with enormous compassion and love and God’s help, we would get through it."

Doesn't that remind you of the straight camps?

      2. My mom and certain members of my family - While I've already come out and begun my transition, I need you to stop brushing it under the carpet, it's not a phase, I will not simply get over it. I have to do this, while I'm happier now than I used to be, just because I'm out doesn't mean I can live like this for the rest of my life. I can't go through life looking at the mirror and feeling repulsed at what I see. You take your bodies for granted, you all look in the mirror and see yourself. I look in the mirror and see a woman, and I'm not a woman I am a man.

It hurts me, when you don't use the name I have chosen, or if someone on the street asks you if I'm your son/brother and you say no I'm your daughter/sister, every little thing like that gets to me and knocks me down just that little bit more. Are you always going to do that? Even when I have a flat chest and a full beard are you still going to tell people I'm your daughter/sister, then they can look at me and think I'm a freak, and the shit under their shoe? At the moment I'm in this dark place, and I can't get out because every time I push myself that bit further out, you seem to be doing your hardest to push me back in. I can't live like that.

 

Taking control

I've just read an inspiring blog, which can be found here transfagssexjournals, and it got me thinking, which is never a good thing in my experience. But it made me think about my issues with sex, now I only have two issues, one is the trans thing which is never easy on anyone, and the second is not getting enough. But this blog is so inspiring, this guy is so open about himself, about his sexuality and his body. I wish I could be more like him, now I've had my fair share of NSA fun, but its normally with people I know, and a case of I'm horny, you're horny lets fuck. But this guy is so open about everything, the names he gives his hook-ups, the sex itself (which by the way is hot as fuck), how hes feeling at the time and afterwards. As it says on the side panel of the blog, "We believe that we are all beautiful, hot and sexy in all of our diversity of race, skin color, age, class, gender, size, HIV status, and disability. Because attraction is so diverse there will always be people who want to fuck us or who want us to fuck them." it gave me hope. There will be a time, when not only someone finds me attractive, but I'll also find myself attractive, and I wont struggle to atleast masterbate.

trans, sex and relationships

Ok this post probably won't be "work safe" but oh well.

After a very random conversation with a friend about me being single again I decided maybe this is something for the blog. He wanted to know how my gender identity had affected my relationships and such like.

Well when I first come out I happened to be with a very accepting woman and to completely honest, the sex was amazing, I've always been more a giver than a taker to be fair. Nothing pleases me more than pleasing someone else. Then we parted ways for various reasons and I started seeing another transman, which to be fair I never thought I'd do because I like women, alot. But anyway we started talking as friends at first as most relationships do, then it hit me like a bus.
I liked this guy he was funny, good looking, yadda yadda, so we started dating (awww) then it came to the scary bit, well scary for me, the sex. The sex was fucking fantastic, both being transmen we both understood there would be things we, physcologically, couldnt do. It wasnt awkward or uncomfortable, it was fantastic. Now I'm single again.

Relationships for me, at the moment, are out of the question. I can't form relationships unless I'm already pretty close to the person, so unless I go around dating all my friends, the chances are very slim. Besides the fact, you know it'd be nice to be close to someone and do nice things like spoon them at night and cook for them things like that, I actually think I'm fine without a relationship, but one thing I can't go without is sex! I have the sex drive of a god, heavens help me when I start T.

Now plenty of transguys have issues when it comes to their "bits" me included, but that shouldnt mean we can't have a sex life so lets think of some ideas, remember theres no wrong or right when it comes to getting your rocks off (as long as its consensual of course)

anal - I know a few transguys who don't like anything going near their errm front, but many guys, trans and bio, do enjoy a bit of bumming. My advice is take it nice and slow, plenty of water based lube, use condoms, latex gloves etc and always change the condom/glove before it goes near any other part of the body. Safe sex and all that.

Cock sucking - I have a very deep connection with my cock even though its not physically attached, so watching someone suck it, play with it etc is a very big turn on.

Rimming - This actually probably should be up there in the anal bit, but I have a slight problem in the fact I cant do penetration, last time I tried I squealed and ran up the bed. But I am quite partial to a rim job (Y)

Kissing- Not just for the mouth, suggest to your partner to try kissing you, everywhere.

General exploring - No one can tell you how to have sex, nothing is ever that simple. The best way to find out what works for you is to try new things. If you don't know where you like to be touched, take yourself to bed and find out.

Thats all really I can think of for the time being, I'll update as I find out more. As I said before everyones different. But find out things, educate yourself.

Anyway I erm gotta go....;)

D.I.Y packer

I promised a step by step guide to the gel filled condom packer, so here it is. Enjoy:

You'll need:

12 or so condoms
1 big tub/tube of cheap hair gel
1 nylon stocking

Tools:

A tablespoon, scoop or funnel
A table, tray, something you can wipe clean afterwards.

Step one - Balls

Scoop a blob or so of the hair gel into the bottom of a partially unrolled condom. When it looks right, size wise for a testicle, tie the condom with a simple knot.

Step two - More balls

Step on all over again. Try to get it as close in size of the first one. It doesn't have to be perfect, even bio-guys dont all have even sized balls.

Step three - Junk gunk

Now we're actually at the dick stage! Take a third condom and do like what you did in the first two steps, but this time add more gel. Once again, be as realistic as possible, not too big. We all want to be hung like horses but we can't walk around with a boner.

Step four - Wrap those puppies!

Take a few more condoms and wrap everything up again. keep them seperate, we don't stick them together till the end. Generally the more condoms you use the firmer they get. Ideally the balls should be firmer than the dick.

*Tip: add one more slop of gel inside the last condom to go on the outside of the testicles, for that slippery round the bag feeling.*

Step five - the beginning of the end

Tie the loose ends of the balls together. Try to get them to hang nicely not too lopsided.

Step six- The end

This is the bit where it gets complex so let's break it down some more:

1. Fine your stocking, drop both balls into the toe.
2. Leave the balls a bit of room and tie a knot.
3. Drop in your dick. at the end of your dick, give the stocking a 360 degree twist.
4. Turn the stocking inside out, back over the dick and balls.
5. Finish however you like. I personally sew mine shut to stop it unravelling.

Last notes

• If you used hair gel with a scent, don't worry it'll fade.
• wash it or it will go funkkkaay.
• If you put too much pressure on it (it does take a lot) and it bursts don't worry you're not bleeding to death but yu might want to wash yourself afterwards.
• If you live with your parents, take it out of your pants before you leave them lying in the bathroom.
• Don't leave it by your bed at night, it feels horrible to stand on when getting out of bed in the dark for a pee.

And there we have it, a relatively cheap home made packer. Once again don't forget to secure it in place somehow.

Live long and prosper!!

Soft Packing

Well wev've talked about coming out and binding so far, so now were going to talk about packing! No nt packing for your holidays, packing your pants! There's plenty of ways ways to pack, rolled up socks, the gell filled condom (post later) soft packers, dual use, prosthetics, stand-to-pee (STP). I'll try to explain these later on but now some advice:

The majority of bio-guys are growers not showers, which means their junk gets bigger when it's erect. Ideally you should be packing big enough to look like somethings there but not so big that you look like you're walking around with an erection!

And secondly, find something to secure it with, safety pin, harness, jock strap, briefs. Believe me, its not nice to walk down the street and have your packer, dick, junk, fall out of your boxers and wriggle it's way down your trouser leg.

So lets get down to it then:

Rolled up sock

Pretty straight forward I think. Basically take a sock, roll it up, and fasten it inside your underwear with a safety pin. Try not to use gym/sports socks however, they tend to look a bit too bulgy.

The gel filled condom

I'm actually going to leave this one for now, mainly because I'm going to do a step by step guide to this in the next post.

Soft packers

Now this is starting to get a bit more complex.

Soft packers are more realistic than the last two methods. They come in different materials, sillicone, cyber skin, way too many to list, but il give a brief list of what I've used in the past. Links to american websites are shown using US dollars in the prices and UK sites are shown using UK pounds.

1)
Name: Packy
Company: Mango Products
Colours: Pink, (limited other colours)
Sizes and Prices: 31/2 - $11.95 51/2 - $16.95

2)
Name: Soft Pack
Company: Toys in babeland (look under dildos)
Colours: Vanilla, Mocha
Sizes and Prices: Mini - $16.00 Small - $18.00 Medium - $20.00 Large - $22.00

3)
Name: Packy
Company: Early2bed
Colours: Pink, Vanilla, Caramel
Sizes and Prices: Small- $12.00 Medium- $14.00 Large - $16.00

4)
Name: Limpy
Comany: Love Honey
Colours: Pink
Sizes and Prices:Extra small- £11.99 Small - £12.99 Medium - 13.99 Large - £14.99

So those are the ones I have used to soft pack. *Please not, some people have had problems ordering from mango products due to a back log of orders*

By all means search around, those four sites aren't the only ones out there selling packers.

Stay tuned for the instructions on the gel filled condom!

Back in the habit

If you read my other post about binding you'll know I've just put my binder on. I haven't worn it in a couple of weeks at all, so putting it back on was like getting into a really comfortable pair of pajamas. The reason I havent worn it, is quite simply I had my nipple pierced! *ouch* now I know what you're thinking, if you're trying to pass as male why on earth would you have your nipple pierced? Well, why not? many bio guys (biological men) have theirs done, why can't I?
But in all seriousness (as serious as I get) I hate my chest, absolutely hate it, don't get me wrong I love tits (excuse the language) just not on me. But my nipple bar is one thing I can say I like about my chest now. Hopefully my man boobs won't be around forever, but in the mean time its nice to have one thing I can say I like about them. Besides no one is going to see it but me.

Ok rant over.

Peace out \/

Binding

Right I'm back, its only been a couple of hours since my last post but I've just put my binder on and would like to explain to everyone what they are, where to buy one etc etc.

So binding your chest, sounds more painful that it actually is IF you do it properly. Leave the ace bandages in the first aid kit, while they give you a nice flat chest, they are intended to get tighter as they stretch so every time you breath out they're actually getting tighter and tighter.  ACE bandages; Breathing problems, coughing up blood is common; broken ribs are not unheard of. They can also cut your skin. Just a bad idea all the way around. So please don't do it :)

Also dont use tape, not even the bondage tape that doesnt rip your skin off, it's the same as ACE bandages. Bad times.

There are a number of online stores that sell better binding options, the only problem is trial and error, due to your own size and build, what works for me might not work for you. So here are a couple of places that have generally good feedback :

http://ftm.underworks.com/  : They offer a good variety of products. They are trans friendly. There is a phone number on the website, so if you're unsure give them a call and they will help you out.

Note: Some longer binders tend to "roll up" on some guys. To prevent this from happening, either fold the bottom half back so it "doubles up" (which also provides extra compression), or sew a wide enough strip of fabric to the bottom edge of the binder to make it long enough to tuck into your trousers.

http://www.underarmour.com/shop/uk/en/  : "Heatgear" undershirts are designed to wear under rugby shirts, football shirts but they do provide some binding, ideal if you don't want to wear a proper binder and they keep you cool and wick away sweat. They are available to buy from most sports shops so you can try them on first.

http://www.t-kingdom.com/ : See their first time buyers guide to see which model suits you. Please note they do tend to come small so you may need to go up a couple of sizes. Also their prices are in taiwan dollars and do look alarming if not converted.

And this idea came from the netherlands for those who don't want to bind in the hotter months of the year:

"Wear a muscle-shirt or a T-shirt (a muscle-shirt, leaving your biceps and deltoids uncovered, looks nicer IMO), preferably not too loose, tucked in. Over that, wear a singlet (which I think [Americans] call a vest or tank top); make sure it's way way way oversized and not made from a stretchy material, preferably with a print or application at the front. It doesn't really bind, but for those of us who are not too large it sure beats hot sweaty tight uncomfortable binders! Also, if the vest has large armholes and is made from a loosely-knit or mesh-like material it's not much warmer than one layer of clothes."

Till next time!

My coming out

So here we are at a crucial point. Coming out!!

 I was actually too chicken to tell my family myself so I wrote them an email and sent it to my nan, which is probably the easiest thing to do if your worried about peoples reactions. The only person in my family I told face to face was my dad, and well that could have gone a million times better, but we'll talk about that after. I still have the email saved as well as my nans response so I'm going to copy and paste my email and my nans.

 To Family,
 I’ve wrote this letter for two reasons. Firstly to thank you all, without you I wouldn’t be the person I am today.
And secondly, this letter is more like a confession of sorts, I’ve have travelled quite a long journey, but am now stuck at a crossroads in which I need to come clean to you all. I have finally come to terms with the gender issues that have been plaguing my mind for so long. About 4 years ago I came  out as lesbian-one of the first of many steps in my life- on my journey to  discover my true sexuality. Back then lesbian was the only term that I knew and it seemed to fit as I discovered my strong attachment to women. However the term “lesbian” applies to a woman who is attracted to other women, and somehow it just doesn’t fit me. A while back I realised that I identify as transgender. It took me a long time to figure out that the term “transgender” doesn’t only apply to a born male that crosses over to a female, but also the other way around. This made sense. It fit who I was and who I was struggling to be.

So to my friends I went public with my newfound identity, but only to my friends. As I become more comfortable with myself I have come out to more and more people. But you, my family, are the last to know. I heard somewhere along the way that it is normal to keep the most important information away from the people you love most, probably in fear of rejection or a change in family dynamics, and this is probably why I’m telling you last. I am dealing with something that the majority of society takes for granted-who they really are inside. Who I am inside doesn’t match the body that I am living in. I am a man living inside a woman’s body. That’s the bottom line.

I am learning that everything in life revolves around timing, and everything must be done in proper time. Now is my time. This time, I invite you to join me along my journey instead of leaving you all outside looking in.

So this brings me to now. Today. I wanted to make sure that all of you know what I am doing with my life because my next step is going to be a very visible step and will be very hard to explain later if I don’t do it now. The first step, hormone treatment will show the most at first my voice will change, my body will change, and my face will change. I’ll still be the
same person I have always been inside, but now my outside will match what I feel inside. In all respects, this will make my life easier, especially socially. I won’t have to explain to people if I am a man or a woman, nor will I feel belittled when people assume that I am a female and call me “she.” Yes there will be further steps down the line, namely top surgery so
that I won’t look like a man that has breasts, and a legal name change to Jake, but at this point the hormone treatment is my main focus. And just so you all know, I chose Jake because it is similar to the nickname I’d been given by friends as Jay.

I would welcome you to look inside yourselves and address any issues you have, not only with me, but with my other transgender brothers and sisters. If you have any questions about what I am doing, why I am doing it, or anything else, think of me as an open book. Education goes a long way, and I would like to help out if I can. I would also invite you to begin experimenting with my new name and pronoun. I realize that many of you have known me for 17 years, and that is a long time of using one name and  pronoun, so I won’t be offended if you have a hard time changing.I may not look the same the next time any of you see me, but in all honesty, I am happier with myself right now than I have ever been in my whole life.

Transitioning is an extremely selfish move, and I have needed to learn how to be a little selfish to enable myself to take these steps. It just hasn’t been like me to be even a little selfish, but in the grand scheme of things it is necessary in order for me to be happy. I am learning not to harbour any animosity towards the world, because what the world thinks of me doesn’t matter anymore. It is what I think of myself.
 
Sincerely,

Ok that was my email to my nan and actually waiting for this next email seemed like forever but here it goes...

I would like to know where you are so i dont think you are lonely through this time of transition. You know grandad and i love you and if you definiteley know that you want to become a man and be happy we will support you all the way. I have always said that anyone born in the wrong body it must be awful for them as it must be for you. As a family we have no quarms about sexuality as you should know with kirsty being lesbian and you thought that was what you were. Your letter was a shock in the fact that you thought you could not talk to me but i must say jake that it was the most fantastic revealing letter that i have ever seen and your literacy skills are wasted. Please come and talk to me if you are local to us or keep in touch with me by email address removed. WE LOVE YA LOADS and want to be there for you.
Love NAN and GRANDAD

So that was my nan and grandads response. Pretty cool no? My aunty Kirsty and her wife Nikki have been absolutely fantastic and if you two get a chance to read this LOVE YA!! Actually everyone that I know of on my dads side of the family have been great, except my dad. I actually told my dad face to face and it was the most terrifying thing I've ever done in my life, and the first thing out of his mouth was lets go down the pub. Now me and my dad have a very strange relationship, we get on great if we don't talk about things that matter, politics,my gender and sexuality, His being a complete douche bag. You know the usual. I know its hard for him to accept and I've had it easier than some people in the fact I still see and talk to my dad, but it would be nice for him to try. Ignorance is bliss so they say.

Well thats it for this post, I'll talk about my moms reaction in the next post because this is getting quite long.

Who am I?

Well where to start?
I'm Jake, or Jay which ever you want to call me. I'm 21 (horrayyy!)
 I live in the not so sunny town of Stafford, UK.
I'm a female to male transguy, yes that's right I'm a man in a woman's body, don't like it? get off my blog.

Firstly I've started this blog in an attempt to give something back to the trans community. If anyone gets any help out of my unorganised ramblings then I'm happy. Secondly It helps me to see where I'm going in life and maybe I can look back at this in 6 months, a year, maybe in 10 years and be proud of myself and who I am.